Some days there really are no words to express what is in my heart. Ever had those days? Days when you can literally feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Today I feel so heartbroken.
You see, we often hear people saying that they think what we are doing to bring Hailee home is some great thing. Yeah well, that’s fine. But we really just let it go. The reason is because most of these dear people just don’t get it. They look at us, this very ordinary, nothing special, totally flawed couple, and make statements like, “I could just never do what you do.”
That breaks my heart.
For the last six months we have done every test under the sun to try and find some sort of diagnosis for Haven. From blood testing, the genetics, to bone scans, to developmental testing…you name it, we’ve done it. Last week Haven underwent an MRI under anesthetic. It was the last test to try and determine if there is any permanent brain damage happening. Every single test has come back normal. Every single one of them.
While this is wonderful news and we totally rejoice that there is no retardation or brain damage, it leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.
Haven is a nine year old little girl who is developmentally a three year old. She is completely non-verbal and most of the time she lives in her secluded little world. Although she has, indeed, come very far in the twelve months she as been home–she still has a very long way to go. She cannot do the things my other children do. She is afraid of many, many things. It is like having a baby in the house.
Haven should NOT be this way. Her ‘condition’ is strictly due to orphanage abuse and neglect!!! She is the way she is only because she had totally shut down emotionally, physically and psychologically for the first eight years of her life. Shut down to the point of never uttering a single word. To the point of literally not growing. It was her way of dealing with the wretched hand she was dealt. A coping mechanism.
It makes me so mad.
We have always had a suspicion that Haven’s profound delays are due to orphanage abuse. But still, we set out to do all the medical testing just in case there was something else going on in her brain. You know what? It would almost be easier to deal with if they came back and said, “Yes, Haven has genetic abnormalities that have caused the delays.” I guess that way we would know that her past experiences had nothing to do with anything. We would never have to wonder what they did to her. Obviously now, we do. We see the scars on her little body–and we wonder.
But knowing now that she was abused to such an extent that she is not only physically scarred, but so desperately emotionally scarred too–well, that just breaks my heart in two.
No child should have to endure what Haven did. No child! No child should have to wait more than four years for somebody to rescue them, as Haven did. I often wonder how she would be today if she was adopted at the age of four years old, when she was first put up for adoption. Or how she would be if she were not abandoned after five days by the first family who adopted her. I know she would be so much better had she have been adopted sooner. But no-one came for her. She waited too darn long.
It all seems so desperately unfair to me. And today, as we have received the results of the MRI, I am just mad about it all.
The sad reality is that Haven is just one. One of thousands and thousands of children who wait, dear friends. They wait and wait and wait…while we find every reason under the blooming sun why we should not go and rescue them.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I just have to say what is in my heart. Actually, on second thoughts, I’m not sorry. The orphan crisis is at it’s worst ever. And it’s only getting worse with the world economy spiraling downward. I have to speak!
The Haven’s of the world need us. They need the Body of Christ so desperately. Children are dying every single day. They’re suffering indescribable abuse at the hands of orphanage staff. They wait to be rescued–while we wait for the right time (you know, for God to come and sit down next to us and tell us to GO!), we wait for enough money (which will probably never happen), we wait for a bigger house (when ours is perfectly okay–so far better than any orphanage).
Where in the world is the Church, dear friends?
We just wait and come up with our pathetic little excuses. We have been there! We have argued our silly case before the Lord too many times. We have turned a deaf ear to the still, small voice leading us to adopt. Been there, done that, friends.
We are totally out of excuses. There are none. If He says GO–we WILL go. No matter what! Haven’s life has opened our eyes and our hearts. Her story is just one. I hate the thought that there are so many more just like her…suffering because too few are willing to take the plunge and follow God’s command to take care of the orphans. In my Bible it is a non-negotiable command!
Are we really doing such a great thing by bringing Hailee home?
Oh no, no, no! We’re merely following His command. All greatness belongs to Him who is seated on the throne. He will have all the glory in Hailee’s adoption. Just as He will have the glory in Haven’s life. This is NOT about us. Hailee is another precious babe being snatched out of darkness and being brought into His glorious light. We’re only the vessel He is using to do the rescuing.
And so, when we get the, “You’re doing such a great thing” comments, everything in me wants to shout out—YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!! They’re waiting out there–you don’t even have to look hard to find them, I promise. Precious treasure just waiting to be found.
Heavens above–if we can do it, trust me, anybody can!
Today my heart is just aching. Aching to see more and more children come home. Aching because somewhere out there are precious little children, like our beloved Haven, who will have to spend the rest of their lives dealing with emotional scars my human heart will never fully comprehend…all because we are so content to live with our excuses!
Time to stop doing Church, and rather BE the Church!
I know this comment will come up in the comments–so I will address my thoughts on it here….Do I feel that every Christian should adopt a child?
Well, yes and no. What I do firmly believe is that every Christian needs to keep an open heart before God on the matter. I believe that we should ALL ask the Lord what our role is in caring for orphans. Do we GO? Do we help those who are going with the finances to help pay the ransom? Do we support through prayer? Do we foster a child? Do we go on a mission trip and serve in an orphanage? Do we sponsor a child?
Yes, we are commanded to take care of the orphans–but there are so many different ways we can do it. We are all called differently.
Regarding Adoption–seek God on what your role is–you may just be surprised by what He says! The Spirit of the Living God is looking–searching for those who will say, “Yes Lord, send me!”.
Oh how God NEEDS His body in this critical hour with the orphan crisis. Please hear my heart today–just ask Him if you are one He NEEDS to GO!