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answering your questions

Thank you so much for all your very kind comments on my post about Haven.  I appreciate that many of you care so much about my little girl.  Your love and encouragement mean the world to me.

Some of you had questions about Haven after my last post, so I thought I would answer them here.

~~  Does Haven use sign language?

No, she does not.  Over the last two years we have tried to get her to sign (with the help of the Signing Time DVD’s).  But she will not do it.  She can imitate us if we show her a sign, but as far as taking the initiative to show us a need that she may have…nothing at all. 

As part of Haven’s PTSD and emotional issues, she will not acknowledge any need at all.  If we allowed her to, she could literally dehydrate without even thinking that all she needs to do is point to the fridge to show us that she needs a drink.  Something in her little brain will not take the initiative to show need of any kind–be it needing to use the bathroom, needing a drink, or something to eat.  She absolutely will not communicate any kind of need.

So signing is not something that works for her (yet!).  We have tried to get her to use it, and I believe that she does indeed even know many of the signs (as we are teaching Harper too), but as far as actually using them…nothing.

We have considered the many apps that are now available for people who are non-verbal.  Honestly though, we are not even sure if that will give her a way to communicate.  Her inability to communicate is a very deep issue with our sweetheart.  We’re talking profound wounds (caused from 8 years of heinous abuse) which have literally caused her to shut down in this area.  Completely.  Shutting down, and refusing to speak, was Haven’s way of coping with the hand that she was dealt in the orphanage.  I get shivers just thinking about it.

As many of you know, PTSD is extremely complex.

If we push her just a little too hard, or if she feels like she is being forced into doing something that is out of her comfort zone, she shuts down completely and will have a mega meltdown.  It is her way of telling us that “this is too much for me”. Her emotions are extremely fragile.  And who can blame her after all that she has been through?

We have learned to take things one day at a time with Haven–going at her pace, not ours.  In the process God has taught us to lower the expectations and savor the milestones when she does eventually reach them. 

~~~  Would music give her a way to communicate?

As many of you noticed, yes, Haven does have absolutely beautiful hands.  Long, slender fingers all of us would just love to have.  Anne B, I so appreciated you sharing the nudging from the Lord about Haven playing the piano.  That is definitely something we will look into. 

She loves music and dancing.  We got Just Dance 2 as a Christmas gift.  It is her best!  The girl has some fabulous rhythm and can totally follow the actions on the game.  It amazes me how well she does it.  Music may very well just be her thing.  And you don’t need words to dance and play a musical instrument.  Perfect!

~~~  What about animals?  Has she spent time them?

Yes, we have two dogs and a kitty.  She loves our little Cavalier spaniel. 

~~~  I read that she doesn’t use sign. Have you tried those programs where she can touch a symbol/picture for something(like ‘juice’) and the program “speaks”?

Not yet, but we absolutely will try them soon.  Since being home we have tried numerous educational toys and gadgets that would give her a way to communicate with us, but none of them have worked for her (so far).

~~~~

There you have it.  We still have a very long way to go in the communication department with our sweetie.  It is just going to take time, years really.  Every therapist Haven has ever seen has said the same thing–time, time and more time.  There is no quick fix (I hate that many just want to “fix” her).  There is no secret formula to make Haven find her words.  The reality is that she may never speak (though we do pray that she does).  There are just so many unknowns.

But you know what?  It really does not matter to us.  God has been so gracious and gentle with us.  He has given us such peace on the journey.  When we first came home from China everyone (every doctor, every therapist, every professional) felt certain that Haven would speak within the first six months of being home.  Somehow we always knew in our hearts that that would not be the case.  We just knew that it was going to take so much longer…and that it would be okay.  Pushing Haven beyond her emotional and intellectual capabilities has never been an option.  Ever.  She cannot handle it. 

We go at a snails pace with her–because that is the only way she is able to do it.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Besides, she has the rest of her life to learn and grow…what’s the rush anyway?  She is happy, safe and content–and that is all that really matters.  Everything else can wait.

This is one of my favorite pictures. Harper has been so good for Haven. She makes her way up onto Haven’s lap (because Harper needs laps) whenever she can and Haven just loves it.  Sweet sisters.

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